tell me… tell me a story. Tell me not to worry….
waking up
I woke up early today without even realizing it, and instantly I frantically searched for my phone. I found it bringing ease to me located next to my pillow. I scrolled with my eyes searching for the last thing typed by my love. Two messages. One before midnight the other around four AM. It felt like a bitter sweet moment. I do the same thing to him when i can’t sleep. I text him in hopes of finding peace of mind. It made me smile realizing we had the same reaction, but that smile quickly faded. I know what it is like not being able to sleep and staying up all ends of the night. Crossed between wishing the other was awake, and glad that they are resting peacefully. After reading the second message i instinctively cradled the phone close to me as if it would bring sleep to him. It was childish, but i still hope he is resting now and doesn’t have to wake up any time soon.
-a wishful writer
anxious
I saw him for a whole day yesterday. Now i find myself looking anxiously to another time with him. I am off from work for four days in a row, which is completely unheard of unless you take vacation. I spent my first day with him and now i want to be again. It is as if as soon as i leave, i want to go back. I find myself looking anxiously ahead to another time with him.
Things would be so much simpler if we just never left each other.
-a wishful writer
Rambling
sleep. something i should do… something i need to do. yet i lay here wondering. A year from now will i truely be in his arms? Will all our waiting finally be over? My love is currently sleeping dreaming peacefully. We always talk till one of us has passed out. this time, he was the first to sleep. So i lay here awake wondering about our words. A year? truely? Is that how long its going to be? I want to drift slowing into my dreams fantasizing about the future… The near future that is graspable. Where this heat i am feeling now actually is him radiating on me, not that its so dang hot from the weather that I’m sweating… Where i can hear his steady heart beat giving a lullaby to sleep to. Where tears that may fall be satisfied unlike now… So sleep, take me please so that i may finally drift off into a time i can finally be… at home….
-a wishful writer
I wish she wouldn’t…
It’s amazing how one lie you tell someone hurts you so much. It’s not a hurting lie though. It’s a facade i give them. This person thinks my parents care so much for me. That they ask if I am ok. Make sure that during a storm, I get home in one piece. That they would pick me up in a snow blizzard. She implies that my parents care so much about my well-being and know I am such a “good kid”.
I wish she wouldn’t. I wish I could tell her “no… thats not how its like in my house” They didn’t call before I drove through a hurricane, they didn’t even react when i got home. They didn’t race down to where i was when i got in a car crash, they were mad. They didn’t care that it was my first time driving in the snow and ask if i made it to work ok. They have absolutely no idea that I am a so called “good kid”. What does that even mean?
But instead of saying anything, i just go along with her fantasy of how perfect my home life is, even if it hurts so much.
-a wishful writer
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The other side
Love is something that gives me life. You put all your faith and being into it. You become attached with your very soul to it. You feel safe, calm, and at peace. You get comfortable and at ease. This is the side that everyone see’s and is blind to the other.
In this other side, you don’t realize you become so attached that the slightest fall causes pain. Such pain is overwhelming. It doesn’t matter how it happened or why. You may even realize there is no fault to it. You may realize that it was inevitable. It doesn’t matter. You put all your hope that maybe one thing will be better. No, not just one thing better; everything will be better. This is your happiness. Your reason to keep going. Your reason to live.
But it doesn’t happen. You deny yourself of realizing this. You hope and pray maybe somehow its going to change. It doesn’t. You have to accept that. You have to realize the person holding your love is human. You have to realize that love is not perfect, and there is pain in love.
And its pain I feel now. Correction. Numbness is what I feel. I feel nothing. I feel like the life is gone from me. Worst of all I can’t decide if i want to feel again. Cause as soon as i feel again, I will be overwhelmed by grief.
So the cycle starts… tears… numb… tears… numb. Just because i am so deeply and utterly in love. I was denied happiness and must keep moving forward.
-a wishful writer
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Young
I am in love. Not some teenage heartache crush, i mean love. I ache every second away from him. I feel pain and sorrow when I think he could be slightly unhappy or confused. He makes me feel alive in a way i don’t understand. He encourages me to be myself and not the social norm. I understand him and he understands me.
People question this all the time, and i answer ‘you just don’t understand’. You are to young to understand they say. No. I am plenty old enough. You can’t explain love, or rationalize what love is. If love is something you develop over years, then we have plenty. If love is based on age, then why is there so much arguments and hurt between my parents?
I have always said “i know i am to young to think about this”, but i have decided now that i am not to young. I am ready. It is this moment that i am ready to take the step forward. Yes i am nervous, but i am more anxious then anything else. I pray for strength to pursue this ultimate happiness i have longed for so many years and the wisdom to not mess it up. One thing doesn’t change regardless what happens: I love him, and he loves me. Regardless of fears and worry, we will get through anything together and come out stronger in the end.
-a wishful writer
Can i be the only hope for you? Cause your the only hope for me
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